This article, “How to create love and life after divorce for women,” is written by a forty-year-old woman who has been through two divorces. I am not a physiologist; thus, this article can’t be considered a professional medium or guidance. Instead, I share my own experience, thoughts, and actions that helped me overcome the divorce and move forward in my life.
Divorce hurts. No matter at what timeline in marriage it happens, it’s painful and scary. I went through it twice. It’s not what I was planning when I was a teenager, but as with many other plans in life, I learned that sometimes you plan one thing, but life happens, and you have to take another road.
Divorce is scary.
In both divorces, I was scared! Scared of not being able to make it on my own, being unable to pay the rent, getting in debt, falling in love again, and being responsible for my own decisions.
But going through my first divorce, I was extra scared because my first ex was physically abusing me and threatening me even after the divorce. Worse, we worked in the same building and occasionally ran into each other. He stopped when I moved to another country halfway across the world, where he couldn’t possibly come.
I thought I learned from the mistakes of my first marriage, and I did, but not enough. Three years after my first divorce, I got married in a new country, on the coast of the Caribbean Sea. I hoped it was love. But it didn’t work out.
My second divorce happened during the Global Pandemic. I rented an apartment a week before it was announced that we all have to stay at home for as long as the situation with the virus gets better. The planes stopped flying, hotels closed, tourism was down, and I was left with no income because I lived in Cancun, and my photography business had no clients; moreover many cancellations.
I can’t say if I had depression after divorce because only a professional physiologist can diagnose that, and I never visited one. In the society where I was born and raised, going to a physiologist was considered an extraordinary measure with a negative connotation. Looking back, I understand that I probably had depression while coping with divorce. However, I never perceived it as depression but rather as being sad or not in the mood.
It’s easy to say I shouldn’t have married at first; then, there would be no divorce. But is it possible to know all the answers in advance? Is it possible to live my life the perfectly correct way? No, because this is the first time I am living it, and I have no way of knowing the future. Excuse me, my life, but I am not perfect, and I just try to be happy.
I know it hurts and at times, is extremely painful, but I had to feel all the pain – that what modern physiology teaches. I was coping with divorce on my own but with the help of books and videos, written and done by professional physiologists and relationship coaches, and journaling my everyday thoughts. It helped! I share detailed information about the authors and coaches at the end of the article.
Hiding doesn’t help. It never does. I tried it in many ways. I tried to hide behind an extensive work schedule, the phrase “I am fine, thank you!”, being busy all the time growing my photography business, over-communicating with friends and colleagues at work, becoming independent in every possible way, nourishing my wounds and feeling pity about myself. It didn’t help, and in fact, it made me feel even worse. So trying out new experiences that’s what helped me.
In two of my marriages, I was looking for love outside me. I hoped the other person would give me the love I desperately wanted. It didn’t happen, and it was so naive of me to expect it when I didn’t have a love for myself. I didn’t love myself; how could I expect the other person to love me? Finally, after my second divorce, I understood that and was surprised why it took me so long.
Life after divorce for women is possible
and from my own experience, I know it can be even better.
What helped me to restore my love for life after divorce?
- I cried every time I felt the need to do that. Our body is marvelous, and for some magical reason, we can cry. Those little drops of water gently released by the body through the eyes bring peace of mind and serenity. Crying doesn’t downgrade the level of self-esteem. On the contrary, it makes us stronger because it’s human to cry. And I did, in fact, a lot. Especially after my second divorce. Because in the beginning, it was hard to process that it had happened for the second time in my thirty-year-old life.
- I rediscovered my femininity, a complex topic that encompasses engaging in a personal style and self-care.
- I was buying myself flowers and inviting myself out. Yes! Why not?! Who said you couldn’t do that? I did many times, and you know how it feels? A-m-a-z-i-n-g! Roses are the first flowers I bought myself with a collection of notes about Self-love. And I invited myself out whenever I felt like eating in a good restaurant with a nice interior design. I perceived it as a high-quality “ME time,” which was an essential part of … Practicing self-love.
- I infused my life with art. Little by little, beautifying my life became a spiritual necessity that made me feel alive, more feminine, and in love with my own life and myself. I couldn’t find museums and art galleries in Cancun, so I started going to Mexico City. In addition, I redecorated the apartment and added lots of feminine details to the interior design. It was all about generating beauty within my personal space.
- Colors, everywhere vibrant colors, red, yellow, green, orange, purple, and pink, infused me with joy. After my first divorce, I got rid of most dark clothes in my wardrobe and added bright and vibrant colors. After my second divorce, I added more colorful clothes and dresses to my wardrobe! There is something special about wearing a dress. It floats. It nourishes. It’s like that soft touch of gentleness that soothes the pain. It’s delightful and empowering. Yes, yes, and yes, wearing a dress is empowering! Candice Oneida, a feminine coach, talks about clothes and how pants can block feminine energy flow. Dresses and skirts help to generate it. She gave excellent advice in her master’s classes, and I learned much from her. A link to her YouTube channel is at the end of the article.
- Traveling. I can’t overestimate the importance of traveling in my healing process after a divorce. Traveling is a mind-opening experience. It’s a way to lose and find yourself at the same time. Until thirty years old, I didn’t know how to travel abroad solo. In fact, traveling wasn’t on my wish list until then. But something as painful as divorce requires drastic changes in life. And for me, that was traveling solo. A year and a half after my first divorce, I decided to travel abroad – solo. That idea was partly influenced by a famous book “Eat.Pray.Love” Elizabeth Gilbert. At that moment, I neither had a passport to travel abroad nor money to do that. But I made up my mind to make that work. And when you have a strong desire to do something and an unshakable belief that you deserve it – it’s destined to become true. That’s one of Joe Dispenza central teachings and the idea behind the documentary “The Secret.” And I know it works because I have had so many examples in my life. In 2013 it took me seven months to plan my big trip to Mexico, and traveled to Europe several times before that. When I took a plane from Madrid to Cancun, I had a one-way ticket, one suitcase, a backpack with a camera and notebook, and three thousand dollars in my bank account. And I spoke very little Spanish. But when you trust the flow and work hard, everything works for your benefit. And so, I stayed in Mexico for nine years. I plan on publishing an article about that trip shortly.
- Reading, listening to a physiologist, relationship coaches, and journaling my thoughts to understand better myself and the mental blocks that stopped me from being happy.
- I was trying out new experiences. When the world was slowly returning to normal after the Global Pandemic and my photography business were in demand again, it coincided with my second after-divorce-healing-journey. I decided that’s a good time to try something new, like golf. I always wanted to hold a golf club and see how far I could send a ball. So, I found a personal coach and practiced golf for a month. After that, I tried belly dance, which was also a fascinating experience. I didn’t intend to become a golf or dancing master. Still, it was a way of generating creative energy within my personal space, the type of energy that can heal. If we perceive the actual process of a divorce as destructive-negative energy, then creating (from the verb to create) is positive-nourishing and beneficial energy.
- Since I was fifteen years old, I have enjoyed taking photos. My first camera was Olympus which my grandmother presented to me on my birthday. So, creating was always important for me. And as a professional photographer and a woman who has been through two painful divorces, I wanted to find a way to encourage women to feel beautiful and regain enthusiasm for life and love. And somehow, the answer came in the form of empowering “Flying Dress photo sessions.”
Harvard professor Arthur Brooks in his interview on “Impact Theory,” said: “The time between the tides of your life, the falling tide of your life, when it looks like you are losing everything, get you to line in the water because that’s the most fertile period of your life. You must try new things. You must be fully alive; you must try everything you possibly can. Fully alive is to wake up each day and to live that day for a possibility, not to nurse your wounds, not to waste your time, not to try to do things that you used to do. To be fully alive is to be fully alive to a new set of experiences that’s coming across the transom. A lot of research shows that this time between periods of your life when one is declining and another is increasing that’s the most fertile period. That’s when magic can happen.”
A divorce is not the end of life! And there are good people, women, and men, who are also looking for love. Despite being hurt, they still believe and want to share their love with someone special. After all – happiness is better when shared.
The digital journal “Fine Art is Lifestyle” is my way to share beauty, love, and creativity. I believe that art and all things beautiful have a wonderful way of soothing pain and helping evoke good emotions. In addition, I believe in the healing power of knowledge, curiosity, and exploring new horizons.
I send you many hugs, and good vibes and wish you a smooth and full of love transition to a new, exciting chapter of your life!
Believe in you! Believe in love! Believe you deserve it all! It will be in your life sooner than you expect!
Books I recommend:
John Grey – Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
John Grey – How to Get what you want and want what you have?
Brene Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi – Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
Gary Chapman – The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Wayne W Dyer – Your Erroneous Zones: Step-by-Step Advice for Escaping the Trap of Negative Thinking and Taking Control of Your Life
Videos that inspire:
“Feminine Energy and Power” by Candice Oneida
A relationship coach Michelle Marchant Johnson interview with Alison Armstrong – Stop Emasculating Men (& Have The Man Of Your Dreams)-Understand Men
Stellar Life Podcast – The Queen’s Code with Alison Armstrong